


Teaspoon :: Dead Doctors' home by finmagik

by skinsuit



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who - Various Authors
Genre: Crack Fic, Humor, M/M, Multi, Not meant to be taken seriously at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-20
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 04:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1052657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skinsuit/pseuds/skinsuit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens to the old Doctor when he regenerates? The Tenth Doctor is about to find out. This is crackfic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Very crazy, and filthy. Have fun with this
> 
> * * *

 

 

Dead Doctors' home by finmagik

**Summary:** What happens to the old Doctor when he regenerates? The Tenth Doctor is about to find out. This is crackfic.  
 **Rating:** Adult  
 **Categories:** Multi-Era  
 **Characters:** The Doctor (10th), The Doctor (1st), The Doctor (2nd), The Doctor (3rd), The Doctor (4th), The Doctor (5th), The Doctor (6th), The Doctor (7th), The Doctor (8th), The Doctor (9th)  
 **Genres:** Humor  
 **Warnings:** Swearing  
 **Challenges:** None  
 **Series:** None  
 **Published:** 2010.04.13  
 **Updated:** 2010.04.16

 

Dead Doctors' home by finmagik

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:** Very crazy, and filthy. Have fun with this

* * *

  
It was shortly after he regenerated into his new form, and the old Doctor, the Tenth Doctor, found himself on a winding path under a cloudless sky and bright sun. If this was the afterlife, it wasn't half bad. He whistled to himself. In the distance, there was a large, Victorian style house. As he drew closer, he noticed several figures sitting in rocking chairs, drinking cups of tea. It was him! Or more specifically, his Fifth, Sixth and Seventh self. He galloped up to them.

"Hello! Oh, look at you guys! Crickety-cricket! No Taste and Shouty! And the Bastard... the Spoon-playing Bastard!" the Tenth Doctor said.

"Well, you've managed to insult all of us," the Seventh Doctor said.

"My taste in clothing was good! AND I'M NOT THAT LOUD!" the Sixth Doctor said, storming off.

"I wasn't all about cricket, you know... if there was a choice between saving a world and a game of cricket...." the Fifth Doctor began.

"Don't kid yourself, you'd choose the cricket," the Seventh Doctor said.

"You really are a bastard," the Fifth Doctor said.

"I never said I wasn't," the Seventh Doctor said.

"I'm off to the kitchen see if Eight's made any more shortbread," the Fifth Doctor said, putting down his cup of tea.

"So I'm in my subconscious, or maybe it's my sub-subconscious," the Tenth Doctor said.

"More like your sub-sub-sub-subconscious," the Seventh Doctor said.

"Ah, why does it look like Earth? Shouldn't it be more Gallifreyan?" asked the Tenth Doctor.

"You were more fond of Earth than of Gallifrey," the Seventh Doctor said.

"So where are the others?" asked the Tenth Doctor.

"Around. Want me to show you to your room?" the Seventh Doctor said.

"Not really. I'll find my own way," the Tenth Doctor said. "Is it bigger on the inside?"

"Err, no," the Seventh Doctor said.

The Tenth Doctor walked through the door. He could smell a delicious scent of someone making risotto and chocolate cake and.... "Banana bread?!" He ran down the wooden paneled hallway, took a left, and found himself in a large, airy kitchen. There was his Eighth self, wearing a white frilly apron over his clothing. It said: 'Kiss Zagreus!' He was carrying a wooden spoon in his right hand. The Sixth and Fourth Doctors were sitting at a wooden table in the corner with knives and forks.

"--And for the last time, shut up!" the Eighth Doctor said in an annoyed voice. He gestured at them with the spoon.

"CAKE! CAKE! CAKE! CAKE! WE WANT CAKE!" said the Fourth and Sixth Doctors. "CAKEY! CAKEY CAKE-CAKE-CAKE!" They banged with their cutlery on the table, making a din.

"And this time, it better bloody not be a lie!" the Fourth Doctor added.

"Hello," the Eighth Doctor said, turning to the Tenth. "Who are you?"

"I'm you, two regenerations on," the Tenth Doctor said.

"Oh, that's lovely. I like the suit," the Eighth Doctor said.

"Hey, Forgetful! Where's my chocolate cake!?" the Sixth Doctor yelled.

"It's coming, Tubby!" the Eighth Doctor said and sighed. "Honestly, I hate it on days when I have to cook. Spend all day slaving over a hot stove for these greedy gits."

"I'm a greedy git...? Hey, is the banana bread ready?" the Tenth Doctor asked.

The Eighth Doctor was frosting a chocolate cake with a rich, dark, chocolate frosting. "Yes, but you can't have any. It's the Ninth Doctor's, and he gets rather possessive about it. And violent. Stabbed Two with a butter knife when he tried to take a slice. Honestly, he acts like he's the one who had blown up Gallifrey."

"Hey, you there," the Fourth Doctor called.

"Yes?" the Tenth Doctor asked.

"Come join us," the Fourth Doctor said. "Pull up a chair and let's have a chat."

"Alright," the Tenth Doctor said. He took a chair and sat down next to them.

"So you're the latest model?" the Fourth Doctor asked.

"Well, umm, not the latest. He's running around in the real universe now," said the Tenth Doctor.

"He meant the latest to regenerate," the Sixth Doctor said.

"So what have you been up to?" asked the Fourth Doctor.

"Well, fighting the Daleks and the Cybermen, and, umm, the Master, had a blonde companion, then a brunette, then a redhead," said the Tenth Doctor. "Had lots of laughs."

"How far did you get with each companion?" asked the Sixth Doctor.

"Well, I managed to sleep with the first two and Captain Jack--he can't die now, fixed point in time-- Didn't sleep with the redhead. She just wanted to be friends," the Tenth Doctor said.

"Just two out of three?" said the Fourth Doctor. "That's pathetic."

"Am I really losing my indelible charm in my dotage?" the Sixth Doctor said.

"She wasn't interested, she just wanted to be friends!" the Tenth Doctor said.

The other Doctors groaned and rolled their eyes.

"That's what they all say," the Eighth Doctor said, setting down three huge slices of cake. "I ended up shagging them all."

"And then forgot," the Fourth Doctor muttered.

The Sixth Doctor sniggered into his mouthful of chocolate cake.

"You're as bad as Charley, talking with your mouth full," the Eighth Doctor said.

"She never talked while eating," said the Tenth Doctor.

"She did talk with her mouth full, though," the Eighth Doctor said.

"Yes, but that wasn't food..." the Sixth Doctor said.

"I saw Sarah Jane again," said Ten.

"Mmmmmm, how's she looking?" said the Fourth Doctor, taking out a flask and pouring whiskey on his cake.

"Sexy, sexy... Had been pining for me, too. Did I mention I slept with her? That counts, right?" the Tenth Doctor said and devoured his cake.

"No. As I was saying to Dr. Bad Taste the other day, sloppy seconds never count," the Eighth Doctor said.

The Sixth Doctor made an exasperated sound.

"She might have been fucking you but she was thinking of me," the Fourth Doctor commented lazily, eating his whiskey cake soup.

"She wasn't!" the Tenth Doctor said.

"Were her eyes closed?" the Fourth Doctor said.

"Errrm, yes, sometimes..." the Tenth Doctor said.

"Mmmmmm, exactly," the Fourth Doctor said. "I shagged all my companions. Well, not Adric, but I did manage to convince Harry that anal sex was a cure for an alien disease."

"Which you made up," the Sixth Doctor pointed out.

The Fourth Doctor chuckled evilly.

"Laugh away. Tomorrow is your day to cook, Scarfy," the Eighth Doctor said. "And no just giving us spam, beans, toast, and spam again. Some of don't like spam."

The Sixth Doctor covered his face to muffle his laughter.

"Oh, come now. My spam, eggs, spam, bacon, tomatoes, spam, black pudding, and spam doesn't have much spam in it," the Fourth Doctor said, giving a wide, toothy grin.

"What's so funny?" whispered Ten.

"The thing is, Eight cooks every day. With his bad memory, no one but him has cooked since last... hmmmm, well, since Nine arrived," Six whispered back.

"That's not right, it's taking advantage," Ten whispered.

"Fivey said that, then we suggested he cook every day," Six said.

Ten looked over at Eight, who was giving the stove a puzzled look.

"What's going on?" Eight said.

"Your day to cook!" Six called.

"Oh, right, thanks," Eight said.

"Make us some chocolate cake," Four said.

"But I thought I just... right, I'll bake it." Eight looked at the empty plates before each Doctor, then at his apron. "Who's Zagreus?"

"Poor fellow. Time War trauma, I gather," Four said. "I'm off for a dip." And with a stretch, he got up.

"We have a pool?" asked Ten.

"No. But the garden has a rather large, deep fountain. Care to join me?" the Fourth Doctor asked casually.

"Ye-" Ten started, then caught sight of the two other incarnations shaking their heads. "No."

"Oh, well," said Four and walked off out of the kitchen.

When the door of the kitchen had closed, Ten asked: "Why shouldn't I swim with him?"

"He swims naked," the Sixth Doctor said.

"So? I've seen all me naked," said Ten.

"And tries to bugger you," said Eight.

"Oh... why?" Ten asked.

"Drunk all the time," Six sighed.

"I don't know. I think he just pretends to be drunk," Eight said. "Besides, after the first time the buggery isn't so bad."

"Hmmmph, I don't know about you, but I've always been Greek active rather than Greek passive," said Six.

"...tell that to the Brigadier," Eight mumbled, stirring the risotto.

"Well, I'm going for a kip," Six said.

"This is a funny place," Ten said. "Never thought I'd be eating or sleeping in, well... the afterlife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.  
  
This story archived at <http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?sid=36363>


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens to the old Doctor when he regenerates? The Tenth Doctor is about to find out. This is crackfic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calvin_and_Hobbes#Calvinball Read about it here.
> 
> * * *

 

 

Dead Doctors' home by finmagik

**Summary:** What happens to the old Doctor when he regenerates? The Tenth Doctor is about to find out. This is crackfic.  
 **Rating:** Adult  
 **Categories:** Multi-Era  
 **Characters:** The Doctor (10th), The Doctor (1st), The Doctor (2nd), The Doctor (3rd), The Doctor (4th), The Doctor (5th), The Doctor (6th), The Doctor (7th), The Doctor (8th), The Doctor (9th)  
 **Genres:** Humor  
 **Warnings:** Swearing  
 **Challenges:** None  
 **Series:** None  
 **Published:** 2010.04.13  
 **Updated:** 2010.04.16

 

Dead Doctors' home by finmagik

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:** Very crazy, and filthy. Have fun with this

* * *

  
It was shortly after he regenerated into his new form, and the old Doctor, the Tenth Doctor, found himself on a winding path under a cloudless sky and bright sun. If this was the afterlife, it wasn't half bad. He whistled to himself. In the distance, there was a large, Victorian style house. As he drew closer, he noticed several figures sitting in rocking chairs, drinking cups of tea. It was him! Or more specifically, his Fifth, Sixth and Seventh self. He galloped up to them.

"Hello! Oh, look at you guys! Crickety-cricket! No Taste and Shouty! And the Bastard... the Spoon-playing Bastard!" the Tenth Doctor said.

"Well, you've managed to insult all of us," the Seventh Doctor said.

"My taste in clothing was good! AND I'M NOT THAT LOUD!" the Sixth Doctor said, storming off.

"I wasn't all about cricket, you know... if there was a choice between saving a world and a game of cricket...." the Fifth Doctor began.

"Don't kid yourself, you'd choose the cricket," the Seventh Doctor said.

"You really are a bastard," the Fifth Doctor said.

"I never said I wasn't," the Seventh Doctor said.

"I'm off to the kitchen see if Eight's made any more shortbread," the Fifth Doctor said, putting down his cup of tea.

"So I'm in my subconscious, or maybe it's my sub-subconscious," the Tenth Doctor said.

"More like your sub-sub-sub-subconscious," the Seventh Doctor said.

"Ah, why does it look like Earth? Shouldn't it be more Gallifreyan?" asked the Tenth Doctor.

"You were more fond of Earth than of Gallifrey," the Seventh Doctor said.

"So where are the others?" asked the Tenth Doctor.

"Around. Want me to show you to your room?" the Seventh Doctor said.

"Not really. I'll find my own way," the Tenth Doctor said. "Is it bigger on the inside?"

"Err, no," the Seventh Doctor said.

The Tenth Doctor walked through the door. He could smell a delicious scent of someone making risotto and chocolate cake and.... "Banana bread?!" He ran down the wooden paneled hallway, took a left, and found himself in a large, airy kitchen. There was his Eighth self, wearing a white frilly apron over his clothing. It said: 'Kiss Zagreus!' He was carrying a wooden spoon in his right hand. The Sixth and Fourth Doctors were sitting at a wooden table in the corner with knives and forks.

"--And for the last time, shut up!" the Eighth Doctor said in an annoyed voice. He gestured at them with the spoon.

"CAKE! CAKE! CAKE! CAKE! WE WANT CAKE!" said the Fourth and Sixth Doctors. "CAKEY! CAKEY CAKE-CAKE-CAKE!" They banged with their cutlery on the table, making a din.

"And this time, it better bloody not be a lie!" the Fourth Doctor added.

"Hello," the Eighth Doctor said, turning to the Tenth. "Who are you?"

"I'm you, two regenerations on," the Tenth Doctor said.

"Oh, that's lovely. I like the suit," the Eighth Doctor said.

"Hey, Forgetful! Where's my chocolate cake!?" the Sixth Doctor yelled.

"It's coming, Tubby!" the Eighth Doctor said and sighed. "Honestly, I hate it on days when I have to cook. Spend all day slaving over a hot stove for these greedy gits."

"I'm a greedy git...? Hey, is the banana bread ready?" the Tenth Doctor asked.

The Eighth Doctor was frosting a chocolate cake with a rich, dark, chocolate frosting. "Yes, but you can't have any. It's the Ninth Doctor's, and he gets rather possessive about it. And violent. Stabbed Two with a butter knife when he tried to take a slice. Honestly, he acts like he's the one who had blown up Gallifrey."

"Hey, you there," the Fourth Doctor called.

"Yes?" the Tenth Doctor asked.

"Come join us," the Fourth Doctor said. "Pull up a chair and let's have a chat."

"Alright," the Tenth Doctor said. He took a chair and sat down next to them.

"So you're the latest model?" the Fourth Doctor asked.

"Well, umm, not the latest. He's running around in the real universe now," said the Tenth Doctor.

"He meant the latest to regenerate," the Sixth Doctor said.

"So what have you been up to?" asked the Fourth Doctor.

"Well, fighting the Daleks and the Cybermen, and, umm, the Master, had a blonde companion, then a brunette, then a redhead," said the Tenth Doctor. "Had lots of laughs."

"How far did you get with each companion?" asked the Sixth Doctor.

"Well, I managed to sleep with the first two and Captain Jack--he can't die now, fixed point in time-- Didn't sleep with the redhead. She just wanted to be friends," the Tenth Doctor said.

"Just two out of three?" said the Fourth Doctor. "That's pathetic."

"Am I really losing my indelible charm in my dotage?" the Sixth Doctor said.

"She wasn't interested, she just wanted to be friends!" the Tenth Doctor said.

The other Doctors groaned and rolled their eyes.

"That's what they all say," the Eighth Doctor said, setting down three huge slices of cake. "I ended up shagging them all."

"And then forgot," the Fourth Doctor muttered.

The Sixth Doctor sniggered into his mouthful of chocolate cake.

"You're as bad as Charley, talking with your mouth full," the Eighth Doctor said.

"She never talked while eating," said the Tenth Doctor.

"She did talk with her mouth full, though," the Eighth Doctor said.

"Yes, but that wasn't food..." the Sixth Doctor said.

"I saw Sarah Jane again," said Ten.

"Mmmmmm, how's she looking?" said the Fourth Doctor, taking out a flask and pouring whiskey on his cake.

"Sexy, sexy... Had been pining for me, too. Did I mention I slept with her? That counts, right?" the Tenth Doctor said and devoured his cake.

"No. As I was saying to Dr. Bad Taste the other day, sloppy seconds never count," the Eighth Doctor said.

The Sixth Doctor made an exasperated sound.

"She might have been fucking you but she was thinking of me," the Fourth Doctor commented lazily, eating his whiskey cake soup.

"She wasn't!" the Tenth Doctor said.

"Were her eyes closed?" the Fourth Doctor said.

"Errrm, yes, sometimes..." the Tenth Doctor said.

"Mmmmmm, exactly," the Fourth Doctor said. "I shagged all my companions. Well, not Adric, but I did manage to convince Harry that anal sex was a cure for an alien disease."

"Which you made up," the Sixth Doctor pointed out.

The Fourth Doctor chuckled evilly.

"Laugh away. Tomorrow is your day to cook, Scarfy," the Eighth Doctor said. "And no just giving us spam, beans, toast, and spam again. Some of don't like spam."

The Sixth Doctor covered his face to muffle his laughter.

"Oh, come now. My spam, eggs, spam, bacon, tomatoes, spam, black pudding, and spam doesn't have much spam in it," the Fourth Doctor said, giving a wide, toothy grin.

"What's so funny?" whispered Ten.

"The thing is, Eight cooks every day. With his bad memory, no one but him has cooked since last... hmmmm, well, since Nine arrived," Six whispered back.

"That's not right, it's taking advantage," Ten whispered.

"Fivey said that, then we suggested he cook every day," Six said.

Ten looked over at Eight, who was giving the stove a puzzled look.

"What's going on?" Eight said.

"Your day to cook!" Six called.

"Oh, right, thanks," Eight said.

"Make us some chocolate cake," Four said.

"But I thought I just... right, I'll bake it." Eight looked at the empty plates before each Doctor, then at his apron. "Who's Zagreus?"

"Poor fellow. Time War trauma, I gather," Four said. "I'm off for a dip." And with a stretch, he got up.

"We have a pool?" asked Ten.

"No. But the garden has a rather large, deep fountain. Care to join me?" the Fourth Doctor asked casually.

"Ye-" Ten started, then caught sight of the two other incarnations shaking their heads. "No."

"Oh, well," said Four and walked off out of the kitchen.

When the door of the kitchen had closed, Ten asked: "Why shouldn't I swim with him?"

"He swims naked," the Sixth Doctor said.

"So? I've seen all me naked," said Ten.

"And tries to bugger you," said Eight.

"Oh... why?" Ten asked.

"Drunk all the time," Six sighed.

"I don't know. I think he just pretends to be drunk," Eight said. "Besides, after the first time the buggery isn't so bad."

"Hmmmph, I don't know about you, but I've always been Greek active rather than Greek passive," said Six.

"...tell that to the Brigadier," Eight mumbled, stirring the risotto.

"Well, I'm going for a kip," Six said.

"This is a funny place," Ten said. "Never thought I'd be eating or sleeping in, well... the afterlife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.  
  
This story archived at <http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?sid=36363>


	3. Teaspoon :: Dead Doctors' home by finmagik

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens to the old Doctor when he regenerates? The Tenth Doctor is about to find out. This is crackfic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mornington Crescent is a game played on British radio. Uno is fun card game usually played by children.
> 
> * * *

 

 

Dead Doctors' home by finmagik

**Summary:** What happens to the old Doctor when he regenerates? The Tenth Doctor is about to find out. This is crackfic.  
 **Rating:** Adult  
 **Categories:** Multi-Era  
 **Characters:** The Doctor (10th), The Doctor (1st), The Doctor (2nd), The Doctor (3rd), The Doctor (4th), The Doctor (5th), The Doctor (6th), The Doctor (7th), The Doctor (8th), The Doctor (9th)  
 **Genres:** Humor  
 **Warnings:** Swearing  
 **Challenges:** None  
 **Series:** None  
 **Published:** 2010.04.13  
 **Updated:** 2010.04.16 

 

Dead Doctors' home by finmagik

Chapter 3: Chapter 3

**Author's Notes:** Mornington Crescent is a game played on British radio. Uno is fun card game usually played by children.

* * *

  
It was twilight and about time to change for dinner. Ten was sweaty and dirty from endless rounds of Calvinball.

"If you can't find your room, you can use my shower," Four said with a wink.

"No, I'll be fine," Ten said.

"Orrr mine," Seven said. He was also winking.

"No, really, I'll find my own room," Ten said.

And he did eventually, for the house was large and it had many rooms.

His name was on a slip of paper on the door. He opened it and smiled. It was perfect, from the desk with the lava lamp on it to the comfy, four poster bed. There was a small bathroom adjoining his room. He stripped off and stepped into the shower. Unlike most showers, the water was the perfect temperature as soon he was under it. When he was done, he toweled off and found his other suit, the blue one, in the room hanging on the door. He changed and had barely put the finishing touches on his hair when the gong sounded for dinner.

The dining room had dark wood paneling, and most of it was taken up by a large round table. Eight was setting out covered dishes in the middle of the table.

"You're early," Eight said. "You must be hungry."

"A bit," Ten said. "Why the round table?"

"We tried a rectangle, but that was a disaster. Ended up getting in flaming rows over who'd be at the head," Eight said. "And after one particularly bad one... the old table disappeared and this showed up."

Eight set down the last of the covered dishes and smiled. Slowly, one by one, the other Doctors began to trickle in and everyone sat down. Ten found himself sitting between Three and Eight.

"Hmmmm, now before we eat, we need to say grace," One said.

"We thank Rassilon for the food we are about to---" Five bowed his head as he began.

"GRACE!" said the other eight Doctors. And there was universal arranging of napkins and taking up of cutlery.

Five looked distinctly miffed.

"Pass the peas..." said Three.

"Where's the risotto?" asked Four.

"Did you remember to make anything for us vegetarrrians?" Seven asked.

"You better not have forgotten," Six chided.

"Of course! The risotto and the peas and the vegetable terrine," Eight said.

"That's it?" Seven sighed.

"I hope so. I want steak," Nine said. "I want something that bled and suffered and died."

"That's lovely," Six said, rolling his eyes and taking a crusty dinner roll.

"I could never eat anything with a face," Seven said.

"I don't know," Four said. "I think I'd rather like to eat a face. Suck on the eyeballs and devour the tender cheeks." And he chuckled darkly.

Two, Five and Six winced at this vivid description.

"Hmmm. I'll get boar's or sheep's head then," Eight said.

"How do you get food?" Ten asked.

"We don't really know, everything just sort of appears," Eight said.

"And you eat it?" Ten asked.

"For the value of eating," Three said, picking bones out of his trout. "None of need to eat any more. If we so chose, we could do without."

"Hmmmmm..." Ten considered not eating, just existing without any type of food... and even in this state, he decided it would be boring.

The meal wore on. Ten caught snatches of conversation.

"--The aristocrats!" Four was saying to Five with a grin.

Five sighed and looked ill. "You know, I had a good appetite before you told that joke."

"---And all this going around interfering. As I said to Barbara: 'You can't change history, not one line!'" One was saying to Eight, who was nodding.

"But sometimes you can't help but interfere. Like, for instance, the Daleks if I didn't show up---" Eight began.

"--Cheer up, you died doing something noble! I got bumped on the head," Six was telling Nine.

Nine rolled his eyes. "Bump on the head, that's all you talk--"

"---And they never appreciated my music..." Two was saying.

"Spoons are fun, couldn't they see that?" Seven added, nodding.

Ten found himself talking to Three about the Master.

Soon the meal was over and they had pudding. Literally. It seemed after the effort of cooking all day, Eight decided to open a large tin of vanilla pudding and dole it out in bowls. It was really terrible pudding. It reminded all of him of the blob monster of Hendius.

On a sideboard Ten hadn't noticed before, a crystal decanter appeared with ten glasses.

"Ah, time for port," Three said.

"And cigars?" asked Four hopefully.

"No cigars, not after you lit the table on fire," Five said.

The decanter went around the table, each Doctor pouring himself a round. When it got to Ten, he noticed something.

"Hey, this isn't port! It looks like water!" Ten said. He poured himself a glass and sniffed it. "Everclear?"

"We're Time Lords. You can't expect us to get drunk on port," Three said.

After one round, everyone was feeling merrier. After two, they were joking. After three, things began getting hairy. Seven was glaring at Nine and brandishing his spoons in a menacing manner. Two and Three were shooting each other venomous glances and rude gestures.

And Six was scowling at Five. He took one long finger and stabbed it into Five's celery.

"Wanker!" Six said.

"What do you mean?" Five said.

"You were a wanker, when you weren't saving something or playing that bloody cricket you were wanking in your room," Six said. "I should know. I was you."

"You have no right to...!" Five was coloring.

"You had three very fit companions who wanted to jump your bones. And what did you... do? Lived like a monk and wanked!" Six said.

"Just because I didn't fuck my companions from the outset of the relationship," Five said hotly.

"Oh, did that, but it took forever for you to get around to it," Six said, sipping his Everclear.

"Unlike some incarnations I could mention, I did not walk around with a perpetual hard on," Five said haughtily.

"You did! You just frigged it off instead of having good, healthy fornication," Six said.

"Shut up!" Five yelled at Six, rising to his feet and balling his fists.

"You know, chaps, that rather reminds me of a song..." Four said.

"Oh, really, care to sing it?" Three asked rather hastily, keeping an eye on Five and Six..

"Friggin in the riggin', friggin' in the rigging cuz there's fuck all else to do," Four sang in a deep bass voice.

Everyone laughed but Five, who sat down looking mortified. Two played the opening bars of the sailor's hornpipe on his recorder. And what followed was the longest, filthiest version of the Good Ship Venus that Ten had ever heard. Many of the verses changed to be about Doctors and various companions.

By the end, everyone was singing:

"ON THE GOOD TARDIS VENUS, THE ROTOR WAS A WHORE IN BED SUCKING THE DOCTOR'S PENIS!"

Then they sang all 23 verses of "A Sontaran Can't be Buggered", "What Do You Do With a Drunken Dalek?", and "97 Ginger Headed Trions".

"You can't bugger a Dalek either..." Eight said, slumping over the table.

"You could try..." Four said, winking cheekily.

"And die horribly," Seven said sagely.

"Now, now..." One said, blinking. "I think we need to sober up."

The Doctors blinked and shuddered. Suddenly they straightened in their seats and looked around.

"You know, tonight's movie night!" Two said cheerily.

"What movie?" asked Ten.

"Ramona's invesiTITure or..." Five began.

"Isn't that a porn parody of Romana's investiture, the one with the bukakke scene?" Ten said.

"Yes, the one she banned," Eight said.

"I don't think we can show it. Nine gets weepy," Three said.

"Hey!" Nine said.

"You do," Six said.

"Then what's the other one?" Ten asked.

"Rocky Horror Picture Show," Four said.

"Brilliant!" Ten exclaimed. "I haven't seen that since...."

"I'll be Dr. Frank N. Furter," Four said.

"You were him last time, I want a turn," Eight said.

"We can both be him," Four said.

"Fair," Eight agreed.

"I'll be the Narrator," Three said.

"I bagsy Riff-raff!" Seven said.

"I'll be Magenta. It'll be fantastic!" Nine said with a grin.

"I suppose I'll go as Columbia," Six said with a sigh and went off to prepare.

Ten looked around. All the good parts were going fast. "I'll be Brad!"

"I'm not going as anyone," Five said haughtily.

"Oh, yes, you are," Eight said, taking him by the shoulder.

"Come along... Rocky..." Four said, taking the other shoulder.

"I don't want to wear a golden speedo and boots!" Five said.

"If you struggle, it'll make it worse," Eight pointed out.

Five sighed in a resigned manner. "Very well."

And they led Five away.

"I'll run the projector," One volunteered/

The other Doctors were scattering, going to their rooms to change. Ten followed suit. Changing wasn't such a big deal: just step out of his clothing and put on an undershirt and his brainy specs.

He met the other Doctors in the main hall. Three hadn't changed much. Seven made a good Riff-Raff. Nine was wearing a french maid's outfit with a red wig. Six had a disturbing amount of body hair for someone in a glittery red bustier. And at the top of the stairs, Four and Eight appeared, both in heavy make-up, corsets, knickers, and fishnets.

"In just seven days--" Eight sang out.

"---I can make you a maaan!" Four finished.

They stepped back to reveal a sulking Fivey in a gold lame speedo and matching go-go boots. "I feel ridiculous," Five said.

"You look good," Ten said. "Who's Janet?"

And the a short figure in a blonde wig, slip and bra came bounding up. It had a recorder in one hand.

"Oh, Brad, I'm mad for you," the Second Doctor sang.

Ten laughed.

One came out, wearing a beard and in a wheelchair. "Come along, come along. Everything's set up."

There was murmuring and nodding, and they set off for movie room.

The movie was even more fun than Ten remembered. Four and Seven made the best comments, and everyone got up to dance the time warp.

His only complaint was that some of the things thrown at the screen seemed to be aimed at him. He was brushing a large amount of rice from his hair at the end.

After the movie ended, they walked out of the theatre and into the parlour.

"What now?" Ten asked.

"Well, either we play Mornington Crescent or we have a gang bang," Seven said.

"No, Mornington Crescent is on Thursdays, old man," Four said. "It's Uno or gang bang tonight."

"How do we decide?" Ten asked.

"We vote," Five said.

"Who's the, errr, bangee?" asked Ten

"Who do you think," Seven said, grinning evilly.

The Tenth Doctor felt nine sets of eyes on him. "In that case, I vote for Uno," he said. 

* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.  
  
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